i can't believe it's gotten this bad. i played my part, yet i apologized. i'm still getting knives in my back and treated like i'm Satan's spawn. now i've come to the decision that i'm done and i'm closing the chapter on this part of my life; i'm starting a new one where i can fulfil my hopes and dreams in peace and where people actually respect me for who i am. i won't turn back and give in to empty words and promises. i realize this new chapter in my life will be hard and difficult, and lonely at times, but i can do it.

no more drama from nasty girls!
no more saying sorry for being RIGHT!
no more taking on other peoples problems!

this time, it's about me.
it may sound selfish, but it's time i focused on myself.

i'm ready.

Life. GAH. at times i love it. but right now...it's driving me crazy and pushing me to the breaking point. this pre-calculus class i'm taking is really testing my nerves, emotions, and spirit. i've never been so frustrated in my entire life! when i go into class, i feel like everyone in there is speaking chinese or something and i'm the only one who speaks english. all this math is a foreign concept to me. and i still have the joy of taking calculus I in the fall... anyways, i have two tests this week, one of them being my final, and i am so ready for this class to be over!!!

i think i'll just finish off by doing this survey my sister did on her blog.

Tag You're it...5 things
5 Things I was doing 5 years ago
1. in my sophmore year of high school
2. being excited about being an aunt for the first time
3. hanging out with Kristi, Meagan and Alisha
4. being a complete Harry Potter nerd
5. working on being first chair flute in orchestra

5 Things on my to do list
1. PASS PRE-CALC!!!
2. save up enough money to buy a new car or apartment
3. decide where i'm going to transfer
4. find a hobby that makes me happy
5. finish decorating my room

What I would do with a Million dollars
1. Pay off my credit card bill
2. Pay for my schooling
3. buy a house and a new car
4. savings
5. buy a new wardrobe

5 Places I have lived
1. Chandler, Az
2. Chandler, Az
3. Chandler, Az
4. Chandler, Az
5. did i mention i've lived in Chandler, Az???

5 Things I want to be doing in 5 years
1. have my B.S. in Psychology
2. engaged or married
3. have a great job
4. starting my own family
5. be back to a size 6 or even 4!

The definition of Devree

"No two people are alike". What makes a person so different from everyone else? It should be obvious but really what is it? I decided to make a list of what sets me apart from everyone else...what makes me special...what makes me Devree.

-if i find song that i really like, i will put it on repeat about a hundred times
-i don't like vegetables
-i have a birthmark on my left hand that looks like a star
-i've never had braces before
-i dance and sing at the top of my lungs when i'm driving
-i pose like i'm a model when i'm getting ready
-i only make my bed once a week
-i think feet are disgusting
-i always have a pack of gum in my purse
-i'm a sucker for blue eyes
-most of my skirts that i wear are actually my moms
-i buy perfume mainly for the bottles
-i have never eaten sushi and i dont plan on ever eating it
-my dream date would involve me and my date just chilling at one of our houses, making dinner and then watching an action movie while he gives me a foot rub =]
-i hate large groups of people
-i don't know what my natural hair color is
-i bite my nails when i'm watching movies
-i have an addiction to mexican food
-i like going grocery shopping
-i have a scar on almost every part of my body; most of them i have no idea how i got it
-i sweat more than the average girl and i hate it
-i know an unhealthy amount of Harry Potter facts
-i wish i could go back to high school
-i cry a lot. sometimes for no apparent reason.

wow. that turned out longer and differently than i thought it would, haha.

Oh Happy Day!

i did not have by any normal standards a spectacular or sensational day. but on the inside...in my heart i did. i got to vent and set goals as i usually do once a month with the lovely Cami. =] i then came home and snacked on string cheese and grapes while watching my new favorite movie of the week- Hairspray! (Zac Efron= YUM!) and then, since my parents are always making me dinner, i thought i would make them dinner! YAY! i ended up making a friend's recipe called jazzed up tomato soup which has dried onions, garlic powder, bacon chunks and cheese in it. it is SOO good and it turned out to be a hit with mis padres! *commence dancing and spinning in chair in celebration* we also had grilled cheese sandwhiches which were also yummy!

and then finally to top the night off, I went over to Becca, Debbie and Steph's house to watch Stardust! it was quite funny at first because Jessie did not want to watch it at all. but as time went on, she was literally on the edge of her seat and squeed with the rest of us girls while the guys just laughed at us. we were all slapstick happy and making jokes the entire time. i haven't laughed that much in a long while and it felt great!

i'm happy with my life once again even though it's not quite what i want it to be. i have the light back on inside of me! =]

Letting go with Love

it never really occured to me until recently that in order to move on, you have to let go with love in your heart. This concept was completely foreign to me until i had a discussion with one of my good friends. there i was hurt and distraught over something that was completely out of my control and she told me that in order to move on, i have to let go with love in my heart. and until i am able to do that, i cannot fully move on. and last night, i was finally able to do that. i feel so much happier already! it still stings a little, but that is overshadowed by the joy i feel!

in other news, school is almost over. GAAAAH. so much to do with so little time!

Dear Future Husband...

recent events have really made me think of the kind of husband i need/want and what kind of wife i might be. so i decided to write my thoughts down so that maybe i can make sense of what is going on in my brain.

Dear Future Hubby,
First off, I am a handful. There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes with me. I will do my best not to blame you or get mad at you for what previous jerks have done to me. It is not your fault. But I expect you to be understanding and loving should I slip. I am a physical person. I don't just WANT you to hold and hug and kiss me... I NEED you to; I need you to show me that you love me even when I don't look great and that you appreciate me. In return I will give you the love and affection you want/need. Please make me laugh...That is the way to my heart. When I rub the back of your neck in the car, I want you to talk to me. However, if you should come home and find me frantically cleaning the bathroom and muttering to myself, it's best not to ask me what is wrong until I come to you in tears for a hug. Please don't laugh at me when I am having a difficult time doing something; you will most likely end up on the couch that night. But just a warning, I just might laugh my butt off when you burn dinner on the grill you put together yourself...and then I will apologize profusely for laughing at you when you start chasing me with the spatchula. On a more serious note, when things get rough I more than likely will say I can't take it anymore and want out. But do not fret. Give me 24 hours and I will come running back to you saying how sorry I am and that I didn't really mean it. I like to be early to appointments and such, so please dont make me late. I am incredibly jealous and posessive, but the only reason I am is because I know I have someone wonderful and I don't want to lose you.

I know our marriage is going to be dificult, but after everything we go through... we will laugh at all of our crazy times. I promise. =]

Love,
Your Eternal Companion- Devree

picture time!

i noticed i don't really post any pictures up here, so i thought it would be nice to put up a pretty recent one. i love this picture because i'm with my best friend kaytie and we were having a ladie's night with our friend shea. we all got dolled up and just had a blast!! you can't tell, but i'm wearing my extensions and it's all pulled into a side ponytail. i will try to be better about posting pictures on here!

Decisions, decisions....

i fell off the blogging bandwagon for a little bit, but only because i've been busy with school =]

anyways, i've been thinking a lot about decisions. big decisions, little decisions, medium decisions. decision making is a scary thing for me. a good choice or a bad choice no matter how small or big it may seem can effect the rest of your life. i made a big decision in my life tonight and i'm still a little unnerved by it. i know i made the right choice, but sometimes i wonder why choosing the right has to hurt so much. i've never really felt this alone before...like i can't fully count on anyone. the only thing that is keeping me from turning back at this point is knowing that the one person i can rely on no matter what is my Heavenly Father. He will keep my secrets and comfort me when no one else can or will. i love that feeling and the power that knowledge gives me! and also the knowledge that my savior Jesus Christ took upon himself the sorrows and sins of the world! he KNOWS exactly what i'm feeling right now and he understands better than anyone! how remarkable is that?! i love my savior and i know that he lives!

this past week

This past week I had the opportunity to stay at home by myself for a full week. It was an interesting experience and I learned some things. Some are silly and some are serious.

-dirty dishes don't clean themselves...and neither does the dirty laundry or the dirty bathroom
-it doesn't matter how many times you change the channel...nothing different will be on
-new alarm systems suck
-ordering pizza gets so old, so quick
-i love and appreciate my mom a lot more
-living TRULY on your own is highly overrated and really boring

i had a strange epiphany yesterday when i was watching shrek 2 yesterday with two of my friends. it was at the part where the Fairy Godmother tells Shrek that if he really loves Fiona, then he'll let her go. and afterwards i was like, "Excuse me but that is a load of bull." When you love someone and an obstacle comes in the way, YOU DON'T LET THEM GO! You freakin' hold onto them like Hell was nipping at your heels. You FIGHT to the death.

today has been a real....off day for me. i feel like my body is declaring war against me. i have cramps which i haven't had in months, a splitting headache and i'm feeling very lethargic. i walked into my mom's bathroom for no reason and she looks at me and was like, "What's wrong sweety?" And i replied, "I don't know. I feel very sad and I feel like I'm going to cry. And I don't know why..." i still haven't figured out the reason. i'm just going to go sleep on it.

Just for Fun =]

My cousin Brittney did this, so I thought I would do it too. Way to kill boredom!

Here are the rules:1) Post rules on your blog2)Answer the six '8' items 3) Let each person know by leaving them a comment

8 Favorite TV Shows:
1) The Biggest Loser!
2) Grey's Anatomy
3) Friends
4) Reba
5) America's Next Top Model
6) King of Queens
7) Cold Case
8) CSI

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1.) Went to school
2) ate a wrap for lunch
3) watched tv
4) wrote the rough draft for my theatre paper
5) took a nap
6) made cookies for my grandpa
7) sprayed weeds
8) watched the biggest loser

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1) turning 20 in october and celebrating it in disneyland with my friends
2) seeing my boys!
3) switching my major
4) getting a job
5) meeting my true love
6) going on a date
7) losing this weight
8) To get married in the temple

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1) Logan's!
2) Olive Garden
3) Applebees
4) Sonic
5) Fleming's Steakhouse
6) SUBWAY
7) Abuelos
8) Cheeburger

8 Things on my wish list:
1) a new car
2) MONEY
3) Wii Fit
4) losing this weight
5) scholarship/grant
6) a new cell phone
7) A trip to Fiji
8) clothes

Friendship

Lately, I have been pondering the meaning of friendship. I think for most people, they only want to be friends with someone when it's convienent. I have two friends who have been close for years, and now they've come to this bump in the road and things are difficult. One of them is extremely frustrated with the other and doesn't understand why she can't make time to hang out and/or talk. However, the other is very busy with school and work and does not have a lot of extra time. It breaks my heart to watch these two girls that I love very much go through this. The good news is that they both are trying.

I went through something similar about a year ago when I was having a hard time accepting Kristi getting married. I felt as if I had been replaced or pushed aside. However, now I look back and I realize that I was just feeling very hurt because my best friend was going on with her life and I couldn't come along for the ride. I think that's what is going on with these two girls.

In high school, it's so much easier to be friends when you see that person everyday and you don't have a demanding job. But when you get into college, you're thrown into the real world. You can't hang out like you did in the good old days. This is life and life is not fun. It's tough. When I step back and look at my life in this aspect, I realize that just because you don't hang out often or talk all the time does not mean you aren't friends anymore. I am still very good friends with Kristi, and I am thankful for that. Another example is my sister Kamee and her best friend from High School, Faith. They were inseperable in High School, yet now they both are married with kids and Faith has moved to Tennesse. Obviously, they don't hang out like they used to, but I do know that they keep in contact and try to talk as often as possible. That friendship is still there. It will always be there.

Friendship or any kind of relationship should not be defined by distance or time. It is the bond you share and what you do with that bond that counts.

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." -Timothy Bentley

WOOHOO!

School has just been absolutely wonderful so far! And I say that with no sarcasm. I love each of my classes and I go into each class, just wanting to learn more. I think my Theatre class is my favorite though. We watch plays in class and then discuss them. It's a lot of fun. All of a sudden it's like something clicked within my head that I need to buckle down and focus on school. I'm actually spending more time in the library and looking for more resources for me to use so I can do well on my tests. It's like it's a whole new me! =D

Yay for Motivation?

Today has been...busy? hahaha. I've been doing homework almost all day and I've been feeling really motivated. I'm also really cracking down on myself about this working out thing. (I just hope I continue to stay motivated to do that hahaha!) They say that if you're wanting to lose weight, you should have a piece of clothing as a goal. Well, I've made my Prom dress from my senior year my goal. It's a size 7. I believe I can do it!! I'm going to hang it up in my room so it will stare at me everyday, almost saying, "I WANT YOU TO WEAR ME!" hahaha. =] silly me.

Here's a picture of the dress. It's pretty =]

Anyways, I have spanish flashcards to make. Peace out!

I don't know why I'm even writing right now. I am so tired, I'm having a difficult time seeing the screen and typing. There's been a big storm here tonight and I've loved it. I don't like driving in it though. But I've been sitting here doing homework and the sound of the rain is so peaceful. It has helped calm me down. I think the Gospel is a lot like rain... if you let it wash over you, it cleans away all your worries and cares and you're left feeling clean and refreshed.

well that was my little rant of thought for tonight. night!!!

25 Random Things

My sister did this, so I thought I would too. =]

25 Random Things
1. I am in a lot of pain from snowboarding yesterday
2. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do for a living
3. I want to move out badly, but money is an issue. and so is my fear of being alone.
4. I love my three nephews. They make my world.
5. School is a lot more enjoyable for me now.
6. I wish I was the same size I was my senior year of high school.
7. I'm turning 20 this year, and I can't believe it.
8. I haven't been on a date in about 6 months, and I'm dying to go on one.
9. I'm really craving enchiladas right now.
10. I'm so excited Curtis is home! I get to see my best friend again!
11. I wish I spent more time with my sister.
12. I really need to put up my clothes. and clean my room haha
13. I can't wait to have kids of my own.
14. I need to lay back down.
15. I'm really confused about where my life is going.
16. I'm seriously considering going on a mission.
17. I'm addicted to Hot Cheetos.
18. I can't wait to be done with Chandler-Gilbert.
19. I want to go to BYU-I
20. I love my family even though they drive me up the wall about 80% of the time.
21. I'm going to Texas for spring break and I'm actually excited about it.
22. I'm a momma's girl and always will be. I love spending time with my mom.
23. I love my big truck but I'm ready to have a smaller car
24. I need and want a job, but the economy is making it difficult to find one.
25. It's time for me to go lay back down. My hips and my back are killing me.

i had a rude awakening earlier tonight. two years ago when i was seventeen i got this beautiful fur jacket for my birthday. back then i was a size 8. i have a snow trip this weekend and i tried on my jacket...it didn't fit at all. and this afternoon when i went to the dr's office, i weighed in at 210 pounds. i just broke down crying. i lost sight of what i was becoming. i've been in denial. yet the fact remains (and with no way to sugar coat it) that i am fat.

i need to lose this weight. i'm not healthy, and i'm so ashamed of myself. i'm so angry that i let myself get this heavy.

i don't know where to start. i feel really lost and feel so helpless.

starting weight: 210lbs.
goal weight: 150lbs.
weight loss goal: -60lbs.

Having chest congestion SUCKS. I have felt like this for the past two weeks and I'm pretty much sick of it. It's hard to focus on school when you feel like crap. Anyways, lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm supposed to go on a mission. So I've decided that I'm going to start preparing myself for it just in case. If I end up getting married instead, that'll be fne because then I'll have grown spiritually anyways. =]

The Lion King

I'm almost all smiles lately and I love it! And before you can ask, no there isn't a guy, haha. I'm just genuinely happy with life. I've accepted me for myself and for how my life is.

So school started this past week and it looks like it is going to be a good semester! I'm taking Spanish, Intro to Theatre, Weight Training and Media and Society. I think I'm finally getting to that point where I can take classes that I'm actually interested in and that should make it easier for me to get involved with it. :]

I just had a girl's night out with my mom and it was a BLAST! We went to Mill Ave and ate at Chili's. We both ordered hamburgers that were REALLY yummy and we split this chocolate chip molten cake and it was SO good. It probably had more calories than I should have had, but shhhh! It's our little secret! hahaha. After dinner we walked back to Gammage and watched The Lion King! It was AMAZING!!! The costumes and stage sets were so creative and colorful and the music was fantastic as well. It was a wonderful night and I'm glad I got to share that experience with my loving mother.

I'm certainly not very good at updating this thing hahaha. Well life has been pretty rough for me the past month or so. Just having to deal with friend issues and my own personal demons has taken a toll on me. However, I now have a beautiful new nephew, Paxton :] That has been one definite plus in my life because I love my nephews so very much!! Even though things have been tough, I have become closer to my Heavenly Father and it has helped me stay happy and pushing me through the day to day struggle of life.

School starts next week, and I can't decide if I'm excited about it or not. I'm definitely taking classes that should be fun or at least interesting, but I just don't know what to expect. This will most certainly be an interesting semester to say the least.